“I’m a lucky Swan

Cause I’ve found the wan

And that one is you

But not at the zoo

But in Bellshill Park

We left a mark

Upon a tree

Just you and me

But now we are three

Swan,  Mole and Bong-ee!

A happy family are we

Thanks to parsnips

Who brought the Mole to me

I love you honey

Because you are you

The Best Damn Mole

in the world     x

No more fighting. Remember to take the mince out of the freezer”

Who says romance is dead?

Right, first of all, I’m no giving up fags. Maybe later but my main aim the now is tae shift aw this fat.

How I’m gonnae do this is by eating less shite, eating more fruit and veg and going tae the gym aboot 3 times a week.

I don’t know whit I weigh the now, I know that’s terrible but I honestly have no clue.

Soon as I find oot, I’ll get my action plan drawn together. I’ve started this online diary type thing that charts your exercise, weight loss, diet and figures oot work works best for you. I think that’s whit it does anyway.

So aye, expect lots of boasting and smugness, maybe even some photies of me before and after.

Today was my first day, never really did much, just being shown where fire exits are and filling oot forms anaw that.

But do you ever find yourself in a new environment and notice wee things?

Here’s 5 things I saw the day:

1: Someones smelly boots in my locker.

2: Guy in the bakery talking tae himself.

3: A video on how tae clean up sick and piss.

4: Old man walking aboot wi biro ink on his face.

5: An old woman version of Rupert the Bear. Aye, the scarf anaw.

I’m certain I’ll grow tae hate it like I end up hating every job but it’s only 12 hours a week so it might take a few years tae get there.

Earlier this year, I left my full time job and vowed never tae work in the financial services industry ever again. Now at college, doing something I’m interested in and that makes the most of my potential.

What’s next? Gonnae start going tae the gym. I’m getting fat as fuck and I feel generally unfit and nearly deid.

Cost is the only thing keeping me fae starting the day. The council have gyms in various sports centres and you pay every time you visit as opposed tae a monthly fee. Or Edinburgh/Heriot Watt uni have a cheap gym that non-members can use for under £3 a go.

Diet. I don’t really believe in diets, but combined with exercise, changing what ye eat should make ye feel better. I’ve had various illnesses over the past year and I think it’s because I’ve been neglecting my body, been totally stressed, not sleeping, eating shite, worrying etc. Still deaf in my left ear since the eardum burst but that’ll get fixed soon, I hope.

I’m going to see if I can make this the best year of my life.

Waiting on the ASDA man the day and efter that, I’m away oot a big fucking walk somewhere. Portobello beach or something. Went a walk doon the Water of Leith, about four hours the other day.

I am in control.

There’s no enough hours in the day.

Things are going aw shite again and I cannae be bothered! Gonnae walk intae Burger King and ask for a job, that’s how bad I need one. Been on the phone lying to the bank, cancelling direct debits so they cannae get their money. Loan ends next month so I’ll be a bit better off.

Aw I’m just having a fucking moan. Have to churn oot an essay for themorra but my pals comeing roon the night for her birthday so I’ll no get any work done. My ears still fucked, cannae hear a thing and the other ones popping anaw, shiting it incase it goes as well.

So I’m bumping college. This one day will sort things oot so it’s worth doing. It’s that sinking feeling in yer stomach, that feeling that says “Ya fucking idiot… sort yer life oot before it gets worse”

So I’m listening tae it for a change!

On a good note, I’m making these later so despite aw the shite, I’m bound tae have a good night.

This shall be known as the Moany Cunt post. Contribute yer moans here.

Let it aw oot.

Ginger guys.

Most of them are called Ross or Kevin.

Anyone agree?

Star Wars.

What’s this ship called?

It kinda looks like a hammerhead shark...

Used tae buy stuff on it aw the time but ended up buying shite I didnae need so stopped. We’ve been looking aboot for a new sofa, thinking aboot moving so need to get rid of these pish IKEA things. Saw a couple of nice ones (2 seater and 3 seater) that someone’s selling in the Lothian area so I’m fucking determind to get them for a good price.

99p and £1.04 at the moment. I’m no gonnae bid til theres a day left. Total fucking psycho when it comes to bid tactics. I’m that person who sits with 4 seconds to go, hitting ‘bid’ and doing a wee dance when I win. Get it roon ye!

I’d be pretty fucking impressed if I win these sofas. Made the decision no tae go to DFS or places like that cos their sofas look like cartoon sofas and we’d end up signing up to 20 years interest free credit for a pishy leather corner footstool recliner unit and have that hanging roon our necks till the day we die.

So we’re going for the cheap. Fuck it. There’s a recession!

Anyway, what’s the best/worst thing you’ve bought on eBay?

I’ve generally had a good experience. Bought a bag once and they sent me two, days apart. Same happened with a pair of converse trainers. Best bargain was a squirrels tail for 99p.

Had almost nae sleep for past two nights. Being sick anaw which is no fun.

Leave me a joke or some grapes if yer passing through…

They gave me a wee PIN number and everything, I thought I’d just go on, pick the book, pick the library and go and pick it up.

But naw. Sending me roon in circles, I’ve ended up reserving the wrang book at three different libraries.

Had tae end up buying the fucking thing on eBay.

Why is it so hard tae just dae simple things nowadays? Is it cos we’ve got too many options? Bombarded wi things we don’t really need.

There’s too much shite. There should be maybe five options for every thing on this earth. Five types of car. In five different colours. I know competition’s a good thing, it’s healthy anaw that but there should be a no-bullshit option in life.

Like a shop for fussy folk that’s got aw the loafs under the sun. And another shop wi a few different loafs. Wee. Big. Broon. White. Plain (the wan wi the black crusts at either end).

Crustless. I mean, whit’s that aboot? Use a fucking knife tae cut them aff. I cannae imagine a scenario that would leave you using a slice of bread and no having a knife.

Aw I wanted was a fucking book. Fuck sake…